... that management love the babbling

"I'd like a ballpark figure, please".
"Could you action that before 1 o'clock?"
"We'll take a look at how things have developed at the end of play".

Why (oh why) do otherwise articulate individuals resort to this strange language when at work? Is it the stress? Is it an attempt at being funny? Or is there something in the water? (Is it time to inspect the office kettle?) Because quite frankly, in plain and simple terms, it is SO annoying.

Let's take the first one. A ballpark figure (I'm getting annoyed just typing it).
I asked myself "What is a ballpark?" I did some research.
Aah, it all makes sense: They don't mean ballpark. They mean baseball park.
...
I asked myself "But why a baseball park?" I did some research.
Aah, it all makes sense: A baseball field is always an enclosed range. So we use it to mean estimate (something within a reasonable range).
...
I'm sorry (I'm not sorry at all) but how can anyone bring themselves to use such a stupid term when the perfectly acceptable estimate exists? A baseball field is always in an enclosed range, true... But so is a bath. And a swimming pool. And a toilet.

Grrrrrr.....

As for transforming 'action' into a verb when 'do', 'complete' and 'work on', among others, are grammatically correct and easily pronounceable options to choose from... well, it's just beyond me. And do some people really view work as playtime? Well that's just plain SAD.

And then, to apparently appease miserable so-and-sos like myself, there are certain members of the management level who resort to a coaxing, soothing version of management speak... no, it's simply called patronizing.

"By golly, we will achieve this"
Translation follows:
"This is what I want to do so I'm pretending you're also in agreement by using the slightly emotive but excruciatingly irritating by golly".

"We’ll cross that bridge when we get there"
The Translation? Well:
"I haven't really thought about the outcome of my stupid plans, but we'll all have to face up to it in the future, so there"

- Particularly reassuring, this one...

And an old favourite of mine:
"This is definitely an issue that needs some looking at."
Looking at? Looking at? It's simple.
"You do the work. I can't be bothered!"

No no, maybe I've gone to far. Maybe I'm too negative...
Going forward, it's perhaps time for me to think outside of the box. By golly, me and my boss will find a way for me to incentivize.

... that the course of true love involves losing a few toes

Agony! Torture! Despair! Not words you would usually associate with love. But, my friends, sometimes these are the terms that are all too woefully appropriate.

I'm talking shoes! No sane individual would buy unless if they'd fallen in love. That's what happens, right? They catch your eye, you feel drawn to them from across the room, you make your move, the price fits, and so does the left, and so does the right, it's TRUE LOVE!!! A commitment is made to continue life together from this moment on, one foot infront of the other, be it in sickness (unfortunate misfooting on pavement leading to smelly consequences, perhaps) and in health (moonwalking on the dancefloor infront of several jealous onlookers).

But it has recently come to my attention that the honeymoon period can be rather shortlived. Or should I say, that not far beyond the love-at-first-sight moment is where the hard work begins. Because maybe they don't fit as well as you thought. I don't remember the right toe squeezing like that in the shop? And the left heel seems to be getting a real bashing - ouch!

Plasters to the rescue, but it'll take more than a few band aids to completely solve the problem. It has now become an Endurance Situation. Speedwalking is temporarily suspended. The once successful pedestrian must now be content to hobble... to occasionally stumble... to feel like they're learning to walk again (was it this painful the first time round?)

You try to style it out but you can't bear the pain - you're slow, you're hunched... you're hurting.

But then, one day, it arrives. That beautiful moment when you suddenly notice it. Yes. The sun is shining. The rain is gone. And so is the pain. But no, better than that. These shoes have only just now become the most COMFORTABLE pair that I posses - is it a dream?!

I have a question for shoe-shopkeepers : would it be possible to employ some, well, what would you call them... shoe-breaker-inners? Because in my mind, you're selling us half-finished goods.

It sure would give us (and our toes) a break.

... that these days everyone's the DJ

Less of a have you ever noticed, more of a have you RECENTLY noticed.

So, have you heard the adverts too?
"Come to such-and-such a central London bar on such-and-such a date. And dance the night away. On the decks will be..."
And there they are, listed among the usual (and rightly expected) suspects, those being radio djs and one-hit-wonder dance producers:

Such-and-such an OK actor from an OK film

... dj-ing while essentially, you dance to their favourite music.
One question... formed of one word:

WHY?

This is apparently a selling point(?) Sure, we can all appreciate OK actors for what they are (and here, freely substitute actor with model, popstar, reality tv 'celeb' - hate that word - because they're all at it.) Sure, they're on the big screen, they're part of that glitzy media world ...AND ALL THAT JAZZ (...mmm).

But really, what is the appeal of listening to them play their top ten? I may as well pop over the road one weekday evening and see what's on my opposite neighbour's playlist.

Shorter journey, that's for sure.
And most probably no entrance fee:
- I could bake a cake.

... that beauty isn't always in the eye of the beholder

Have you ever noticed the way we substitute the word "see" with "like"... when all we're really doing is seeing?

Let me explain. Lies are bad. Plus, didn't Mum always say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Ok. Simple enough.

So why have I, among many others that I've noticed, been the culprit of the "Oh, I like your [here insert bag, shirt, hair, other]" comment when what I really mean is "I've noticed the aforementioned item, I've noticed it because it stands out for a reason, and that reason would be that it's... well... hideous".

It's as if the brain goes into panic-mode and the mouth tries to cover it up. Unfortunately, halfway through uttering a reflex compliment, the rest of the face gives it away.

Your eyes can get you into all sorts of trouble.

... that 4 corners make a world of difference

On the *big screen*. Glamour. Fame. Significance.

And... there's a big screen at the train station I use every day. No, not the screen showing arrivals and departures, destinations and times. The big screen I'm talking about is even bigger than that one. It's on the left hand side.

This big screen has images moving in slow motion. It has headlines underneath. This is the news. And we, the commuters, are hypnotised by the big screen. We look up in awe. There we all are in a trance-like state, staring up at it, our lives temporarily on hold. Whatever is happening around us is currently of lesser importance. What's happened today? What's happened today?...

*Actress takes daughter to the park
*Soap star dances in club with wife
*Musician seen with new haircut

Ten seconds of our lives. We won't get them back. And for all we know, some extraordinary event might be taking place around us while we're all staring upwards like puppy-dogs eager for the next biscuit (and we've missed it).

Oh well, be it pigs flying or aliens landing, as long as someone has caught it on camera, we'll take the time to watch it later.

... how we love to play stupid?

Stating the obvious. No-one wants to do that, right? Because that would be a waste of breath, time and energy, not to mention the listening time of others, I'm sure you'll agree. That's why I must just make a short mention of something quite strange. A scenario in which we all find ourselves deliberately stating the obvious.

Restaurants. We arrive. We stand patiently by the door. The waiter arrives. And here it begins: "Table for...?" He looks at us intently for the answer. Whether we're 2 or whether we're 10, we'll answer obediently as if the waiter cannot see for himself. And we won't even worry about insulting his intelligence as we turn round and count everyone... just to be sure... yes, just to be sure to have included both of us on this dinner date... as if we didn't know!! In the past, I've even mischievously paused before providing them with a headcount figure. But it's no use. They really do want us to do the counting.

Maybe it's a legal issue. We enter into a contract with them to cater for a specific number? Or maybe they just want to save up their counting mental energy for the forthcoming tips.

...that no-one cares about green anymore

Sometimes I think you have to be a good driver to be a successful pedestrian. Successful meaning moving at a suitably progressive pace, even speedwalking where circumstances dictate. Successful meaning anticipating people-traffic up ahead, planning and executing any overtaking manoeuvres as required...

Successful also meaning safely crossing the road. You see, in this bustling city where I live, I have noticed that the best way to cross a busy street is to focus on what the drivers are doing. Better still, do what the drivers are doing: read their signals! Long gone are the days of "look right, look left, look right again" or "wait for the green man". Things have moved on.

What does the green man know anyway? From where he's standing, he can't see what the successful pedestrian can see, oh no... Sometimes it seems to be more practical to look at the drivers' traffic lights, to gauge whether that speeding car will have to stop soon anyhow. The green man can't tell me any of that. Ever cautious, those cars will have been stationary for a good 5-10 seconds before he'll give you the go-ahead. 5-10 seconds: valuable time, perhaps the difference between catching the train or not, arriving at that meeting on time or late, etc.

Here's the disclaimer:
1 - Sure, the green man will always get you across safely
2- However successful a pedestrian may think him or herself to be, they cannot account for unexpected or unnoticed traffic emerging from perhaps hidden places... dangerous
3- Near-misses experienced by all successful pedestrians at one time or another would have been avoided if the aforementioned pedestrians would just be less successful and more patient. Near-misses are not amusing or exhilarating in any way. They really aren't.

But... I know I'm not the only successful pedestrian in town. Sometimes, during a slight lapse in success perhaps, I've found myself opposite another potential road-crosser who is also looking up and down the road, anticipating that sneaky speedy motorbike, checking on that almost-concealed side road a few yards along...

Yep, we're both completely oblivious to mister greeny smirking down at us... Success comes with its highs and lows.