... how we all like a bit of crazy

It's just before 9am. I'm buying breakfast. I'm on my way to work. Nothing dramatic about that, right? But wait, there is a drama unfolding in the cafe, and it's grabbed everybody's undivided attention.

A customer has taken it upon himself to defend the cafe. The gentleman is shouting at those daring to…, well…those simply occupying the tables lining the pavement outside the premises.

His problem? Well, these people shouldn’t be allowed to sit there because they haven’t purchased anything from the cafe. “If they want to sit there, they should either buy a coffee, or (censored version) go away”

I look at the row of tables. Is this man annoyed because there is no space for him to sit down? No, this isn’t the case.

No, the reason this gentleman is getting hot under the collar at 5 to 9 in the morning is that he can’t help himself: He simply must highlight this petty injustice.

Other customers look at one another and chuckle. “Must be having a bad day…although, it’s not even 9am yet”.

We have a chuckle about it later in the office too.

Because a secret part of us supports him, salutes him for attempting to combat one of life’s little annoyances that most of us just ignore.

And the fact that he is well-spoken and smartly dressed , and therefore, surely has other important things to do, makes it all the more delicious.

He’s our crazy hero.

... that the mirror is pointless

You arrive here wearing a hat. But you don't want to be wearing it on your way out, oh no... Why?
Because you leave here, almost certainly, looking your best.
Where? The hairdresser's.

Funny place, the hairdresser's. Hot and stuffy, full of stylists, all with perfect hair, who walk like they think the middle aisle of the salon is a catwalk. I might try the same walk back and forth to the photocopier at the office... and maybe not.
And the wash basins. No doubt originally a Dark Ages' torture method; then one day, someone evidently thought that it would be a good idea to wash a paying client's hair this way, leaning back at an excruciatingly uncomfortable angle, struggling to allow your torturer to fully rinse the back of your head whilst trying to prevent the inevitable (gravity induced) torrent of water dripping down your back and ruining whatever you're wearing.

So the chair has a built in massage feature. So I'd enjoy a slap in the face from a silk-gloved hand? You get my point.

We close our eyes during this part, half pretending we're comfortable and relaxed, half pretending that we're somewhere else ("If I can't see anything, then officially, I'm not here, right...? Ouch...") No really, I'd rather have my hair washed sitting up nude in a bath, positioned in the middle of the salon if the need be. No, really...

But the torture session is all but a distant memory when we're back sat in front of the mirror where we can fall in love with life, and hopefully, ourselves again. Because, this is the moment we're styled to strut down our own catwalk for the rest of the day. So the stylist does his or her thing, laying the final touches like an artist filling in the last few gaps on a canvas.

And then it's finished. And they produce a wide mirror. And they place it one side. And then on the other. And we nod, smile, and make noises that confirm a positive reaction.

Yes, that's what we do... even if we don't like it! It's simply a reflex compliment. So here's my point: that wide-mirror-on-both-sides-routine is undoubtedly a waste of time. Because, by this stage, it's too late. What would happen if you said "No, don't really like it, actually..."?

Not a lot, is my guess. because we all know there is absolutely an unspoken disclaimer. Meaning that effectively, you get what you're given. Meaning, a polite "thank you" is all you really can say. Meaning, maybe you'll discreetly put your hat on again when you've gone round the corner; the catwalk will have to wait!

... that management love the babbling

"I'd like a ballpark figure, please".
"Could you action that before 1 o'clock?"
"We'll take a look at how things have developed at the end of play".

Why (oh why) do otherwise articulate individuals resort to this strange language when at work? Is it the stress? Is it an attempt at being funny? Or is there something in the water? (Is it time to inspect the office kettle?) Because quite frankly, in plain and simple terms, it is SO annoying.

Let's take the first one. A ballpark figure (I'm getting annoyed just typing it).
I asked myself "What is a ballpark?" I did some research.
Aah, it all makes sense: They don't mean ballpark. They mean baseball park.
...
I asked myself "But why a baseball park?" I did some research.
Aah, it all makes sense: A baseball field is always an enclosed range. So we use it to mean estimate (something within a reasonable range).
...
I'm sorry (I'm not sorry at all) but how can anyone bring themselves to use such a stupid term when the perfectly acceptable estimate exists? A baseball field is always in an enclosed range, true... But so is a bath. And a swimming pool. And a toilet.

Grrrrrr.....

As for transforming 'action' into a verb when 'do', 'complete' and 'work on', among others, are grammatically correct and easily pronounceable options to choose from... well, it's just beyond me. And do some people really view work as playtime? Well that's just plain SAD.

And then, to apparently appease miserable so-and-sos like myself, there are certain members of the management level who resort to a coaxing, soothing version of management speak... no, it's simply called patronizing.

"By golly, we will achieve this"
Translation follows:
"This is what I want to do so I'm pretending you're also in agreement by using the slightly emotive but excruciatingly irritating by golly".

"We’ll cross that bridge when we get there"
The Translation? Well:
"I haven't really thought about the outcome of my stupid plans, but we'll all have to face up to it in the future, so there"

- Particularly reassuring, this one...

And an old favourite of mine:
"This is definitely an issue that needs some looking at."
Looking at? Looking at? It's simple.
"You do the work. I can't be bothered!"

No no, maybe I've gone to far. Maybe I'm too negative...
Going forward, it's perhaps time for me to think outside of the box. By golly, me and my boss will find a way for me to incentivize.

... that the course of true love involves losing a few toes

Agony! Torture! Despair! Not words you would usually associate with love. But, my friends, sometimes these are the terms that are all too woefully appropriate.

I'm talking shoes! No sane individual would buy unless if they'd fallen in love. That's what happens, right? They catch your eye, you feel drawn to them from across the room, you make your move, the price fits, and so does the left, and so does the right, it's TRUE LOVE!!! A commitment is made to continue life together from this moment on, one foot infront of the other, be it in sickness (unfortunate misfooting on pavement leading to smelly consequences, perhaps) and in health (moonwalking on the dancefloor infront of several jealous onlookers).

But it has recently come to my attention that the honeymoon period can be rather shortlived. Or should I say, that not far beyond the love-at-first-sight moment is where the hard work begins. Because maybe they don't fit as well as you thought. I don't remember the right toe squeezing like that in the shop? And the left heel seems to be getting a real bashing - ouch!

Plasters to the rescue, but it'll take more than a few band aids to completely solve the problem. It has now become an Endurance Situation. Speedwalking is temporarily suspended. The once successful pedestrian must now be content to hobble... to occasionally stumble... to feel like they're learning to walk again (was it this painful the first time round?)

You try to style it out but you can't bear the pain - you're slow, you're hunched... you're hurting.

But then, one day, it arrives. That beautiful moment when you suddenly notice it. Yes. The sun is shining. The rain is gone. And so is the pain. But no, better than that. These shoes have only just now become the most COMFORTABLE pair that I posses - is it a dream?!

I have a question for shoe-shopkeepers : would it be possible to employ some, well, what would you call them... shoe-breaker-inners? Because in my mind, you're selling us half-finished goods.

It sure would give us (and our toes) a break.

... that these days everyone's the DJ

Less of a have you ever noticed, more of a have you RECENTLY noticed.

So, have you heard the adverts too?
"Come to such-and-such a central London bar on such-and-such a date. And dance the night away. On the decks will be..."
And there they are, listed among the usual (and rightly expected) suspects, those being radio djs and one-hit-wonder dance producers:

Such-and-such an OK actor from an OK film

... dj-ing while essentially, you dance to their favourite music.
One question... formed of one word:

WHY?

This is apparently a selling point(?) Sure, we can all appreciate OK actors for what they are (and here, freely substitute actor with model, popstar, reality tv 'celeb' - hate that word - because they're all at it.) Sure, they're on the big screen, they're part of that glitzy media world ...AND ALL THAT JAZZ (...mmm).

But really, what is the appeal of listening to them play their top ten? I may as well pop over the road one weekday evening and see what's on my opposite neighbour's playlist.

Shorter journey, that's for sure.
And most probably no entrance fee:
- I could bake a cake.

... that beauty isn't always in the eye of the beholder

Have you ever noticed the way we substitute the word "see" with "like"... when all we're really doing is seeing?

Let me explain. Lies are bad. Plus, didn't Mum always say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Ok. Simple enough.

So why have I, among many others that I've noticed, been the culprit of the "Oh, I like your [here insert bag, shirt, hair, other]" comment when what I really mean is "I've noticed the aforementioned item, I've noticed it because it stands out for a reason, and that reason would be that it's... well... hideous".

It's as if the brain goes into panic-mode and the mouth tries to cover it up. Unfortunately, halfway through uttering a reflex compliment, the rest of the face gives it away.

Your eyes can get you into all sorts of trouble.

... that 4 corners make a world of difference

On the *big screen*. Glamour. Fame. Significance.

And... there's a big screen at the train station I use every day. No, not the screen showing arrivals and departures, destinations and times. The big screen I'm talking about is even bigger than that one. It's on the left hand side.

This big screen has images moving in slow motion. It has headlines underneath. This is the news. And we, the commuters, are hypnotised by the big screen. We look up in awe. There we all are in a trance-like state, staring up at it, our lives temporarily on hold. Whatever is happening around us is currently of lesser importance. What's happened today? What's happened today?...

*Actress takes daughter to the park
*Soap star dances in club with wife
*Musician seen with new haircut

Ten seconds of our lives. We won't get them back. And for all we know, some extraordinary event might be taking place around us while we're all staring upwards like puppy-dogs eager for the next biscuit (and we've missed it).

Oh well, be it pigs flying or aliens landing, as long as someone has caught it on camera, we'll take the time to watch it later.